Transformation

The transformation was amazing, usually I can't see it so clearly but from suicidal depression and back again was like switches clicking in and out of place. I have the front on, for work, home. Partly for my own protection, partly because others need stuff from me and I'm trying to help.

Weeks of feeling like suicide, planning it, dreaming of it and then, with one event, mania. I love thunderstorms for this reason. The adrenaline flows and its like being a mad scientist except with the mental age and capacity to be amused easily of a 5 year old. Standing in torrential rain with thunder and forked lightning all around you is, quite simply, being alive. I get high off the electrical charge in the air, the feeling is exhillerating, nothing can match it. It is power, it isn't ashamed of it, it is loud, up front and beautiful. And it can kill without apology.

But it dies eventually and the feeling dies too. After any high the crash is bad. You are still charged but it becomes irritation and aggression. Then you feel like shit because all the negativity is directed at yourself and you are back to square 1. It was worth it for those brief moments though, I may not be happy about it but it's a reminder that i'm alive and for a while, my mind was pure.

The sun is shining...hip hip hip.....oh fuck

So Tue summer is here. Just in time to catch my thyroid playing help. Having trouble getting up, staying awake and apparently standing upright. It is a visable problems at work, compounded by the fact that this stupid pill destroys so much physically and mentaly.

I know I couldn't hide what was going on yesterday my only blessing was that they don't know why. I am trying to not let it show but yesterday I had no choice but to roll the sleeve on my hidden arm a bit. Nothing to see, had bracelet so that it covered it, slipped sometimes but the slight cooling it provided was worth it.

My temperature control is shot, I am literally boiling here and eating/drip.king just makes me feel so ill. I know how important drinking enough is but it is difficult. I could hardly drink enough without throwing up before and now I need to drink at least half as much again.

Today I have stomach cramps, partially due to my stupidity when younger, I screwed a lot of my body not eating for so long and now I suffer for it. Again the heat makes it worse.  Of course there is also the stupid black top I have to wear under my work shirt for the sleeves. I know I have no one to blame but myself, no matter what made me start I still did it myself, and carried on. Ironically after having so much trouble because of it yesterday guess what I did last night.

I say 'did' but it was more what I tried to do. Apparently the skin o. My Tm is so thick from scar tissue now that what would have once opened me up wide now is just grazing it, even after almost hitting the blade across my arm there are barely any cuts. Bleeds just fine but for me it was being able to see something 'proper' for some time that would keep me from doing it again. Now I am just hunting for something sharper. I don't even have any feeling in one area I discovered but feel it or not, it still did not want to cut. I am angry that I have messed up so badly my skin won't even cut properly, mad that I did it, mad that I can't do it, mad that I suffer in heat because of it and that I have to walk around with one sleeve rolled down all the time to hide it.

I'm tired of all this, I always become a bit suicidal around this time because it highlights all the problems there are from pills, and that I have caused myself. It would be easier I know, the hard part is trying to remember why not to.w

Meh and rant

Coming to the end of a really depressing week. Done nothing fun, not through lack of trying to get to do something. Really does seem it's ok to do stuff with other people (that's of course only for work) but not to do anything with me.

It is actually impossible to put into words how I feel, closest though nowhere really accurate are lost, lonely, depressed. Yet another week has been wasted. Angry should be in there to, I feel really close to just letting everything break loose. After 5 or so years of him being out of work it was always said he would keep house nice, get garden done etc. Never happened, when it was ok enough for family to visit it never lasted even if I was never in main room it would be a pigsty days later and never tidied again.

Even now, he does work but not full time (which I do) so he said he would get it done (for the record the room I am always in - study) is not a smelling pigsty like where he is.  Only when he wasn't working did I ask him to do all housework. Now I want what he said he would do done then we both do our bit. I'm just pissed off I guess that after all this time its as if it suddenly doesn't matter that I carried him for so long (and would do again, I never begrudged it, just wished for more help).

On a seperate note, the woman that got 'mauled' by cheetahs in the news. Anyone with a brain knows no wild animal can be totally tame. The owners were irresponsible but she and the others in there were just plain stupid. Even domestic animals can turn in the wrong conditions you should never be lax in you attention with them and what's going on around.

There's no way they mauled her, if they had truly attacked her she would be in pieces rout now. I know what damage domestic cats can do when playing and they can retract their claws, cheetahs can't so they play there's a good chance you will be hurt. I hope these animals will not be blamed and killed because of yet more human errors.

Ok is not all its cracked up to be

I don't feel that bad, not great but not depressed really. Yet I feel I can see things clearer than I want to. I can see my life how it is now and how it is going to be for the rest of my life. I dont want it to be this way. Empty apart from when I can totally focus on music. It's sad to think that is the only thing I have that can do that and I feel terrible for the people I know I should feel that way about.

It's always been that way and I always thank my dad for bringing me so much music when I was young, without it I wouldn't be here. But it depresses me that this is it, for eternity I will be held together only if I am listening to music. The rest of the time, between songs or when I am not in a position to listen to any is physically and mentally so painful. There are fleeting moments between that are ok, a funny moment but they never last and can never be relied upon to be there when you need them.

I don't want to live like this, knowing what the next moment without it will be like.  Yet perversely it keeps me alive always wanting to hear the next.  Hard to think clearly and make sense of what it really means, probably nothing Tbh, I think maybe I was a little lower than I thought, hard to notice when your head is filled with music and the images of your favourite and most engrossing music videos.