Transformation

The transformation was amazing, usually I can't see it so clearly but from suicidal depression and back again was like switches clicking in and out of place. I have the front on, for work, home. Partly for my own protection, partly because others need stuff from me and I'm trying to help.

Weeks of feeling like suicide, planning it, dreaming of it and then, with one event, mania. I love thunderstorms for this reason. The adrenaline flows and its like being a mad scientist except with the mental age and capacity to be amused easily of a 5 year old. Standing in torrential rain with thunder and forked lightning all around you is, quite simply, being alive. I get high off the electrical charge in the air, the feeling is exhillerating, nothing can match it. It is power, it isn't ashamed of it, it is loud, up front and beautiful. And it can kill without apology.

But it dies eventually and the feeling dies too. After any high the crash is bad. You are still charged but it becomes irritation and aggression. Then you feel like shit because all the negativity is directed at yourself and you are back to square 1. It was worth it for those brief moments though, I may not be happy about it but it's a reminder that i'm alive and for a while, my mind was pure.

The sun is shining...hip hip hip.....oh fuck

So Tue summer is here. Just in time to catch my thyroid playing help. Having trouble getting up, staying awake and apparently standing upright. It is a visable problems at work, compounded by the fact that this stupid pill destroys so much physically and mentaly.

I know I couldn't hide what was going on yesterday my only blessing was that they don't know why. I am trying to not let it show but yesterday I had no choice but to roll the sleeve on my hidden arm a bit. Nothing to see, had bracelet so that it covered it, slipped sometimes but the slight cooling it provided was worth it.

My temperature control is shot, I am literally boiling here and eating/drip.king just makes me feel so ill. I know how important drinking enough is but it is difficult. I could hardly drink enough without throwing up before and now I need to drink at least half as much again.

Today I have stomach cramps, partially due to my stupidity when younger, I screwed a lot of my body not eating for so long and now I suffer for it. Again the heat makes it worse.  Of course there is also the stupid black top I have to wear under my work shirt for the sleeves. I know I have no one to blame but myself, no matter what made me start I still did it myself, and carried on. Ironically after having so much trouble because of it yesterday guess what I did last night.

I say 'did' but it was more what I tried to do. Apparently the skin o. My Tm is so thick from scar tissue now that what would have once opened me up wide now is just grazing it, even after almost hitting the blade across my arm there are barely any cuts. Bleeds just fine but for me it was being able to see something 'proper' for some time that would keep me from doing it again. Now I am just hunting for something sharper. I don't even have any feeling in one area I discovered but feel it or not, it still did not want to cut. I am angry that I have messed up so badly my skin won't even cut properly, mad that I did it, mad that I can't do it, mad that I suffer in heat because of it and that I have to walk around with one sleeve rolled down all the time to hide it.

I'm tired of all this, I always become a bit suicidal around this time because it highlights all the problems there are from pills, and that I have caused myself. It would be easier I know, the hard part is trying to remember why not to.w

Meh and rant

Coming to the end of a really depressing week. Done nothing fun, not through lack of trying to get to do something. Really does seem it's ok to do stuff with other people (that's of course only for work) but not to do anything with me.

It is actually impossible to put into words how I feel, closest though nowhere really accurate are lost, lonely, depressed. Yet another week has been wasted. Angry should be in there to, I feel really close to just letting everything break loose. After 5 or so years of him being out of work it was always said he would keep house nice, get garden done etc. Never happened, when it was ok enough for family to visit it never lasted even if I was never in main room it would be a pigsty days later and never tidied again.

Even now, he does work but not full time (which I do) so he said he would get it done (for the record the room I am always in - study) is not a smelling pigsty like where he is.  Only when he wasn't working did I ask him to do all housework. Now I want what he said he would do done then we both do our bit. I'm just pissed off I guess that after all this time its as if it suddenly doesn't matter that I carried him for so long (and would do again, I never begrudged it, just wished for more help).

On a seperate note, the woman that got 'mauled' by cheetahs in the news. Anyone with a brain knows no wild animal can be totally tame. The owners were irresponsible but she and the others in there were just plain stupid. Even domestic animals can turn in the wrong conditions you should never be lax in you attention with them and what's going on around.

There's no way they mauled her, if they had truly attacked her she would be in pieces rout now. I know what damage domestic cats can do when playing and they can retract their claws, cheetahs can't so they play there's a good chance you will be hurt. I hope these animals will not be blamed and killed because of yet more human errors.

Ok is not all its cracked up to be

I don't feel that bad, not great but not depressed really. Yet I feel I can see things clearer than I want to. I can see my life how it is now and how it is going to be for the rest of my life. I dont want it to be this way. Empty apart from when I can totally focus on music. It's sad to think that is the only thing I have that can do that and I feel terrible for the people I know I should feel that way about.

It's always been that way and I always thank my dad for bringing me so much music when I was young, without it I wouldn't be here. But it depresses me that this is it, for eternity I will be held together only if I am listening to music. The rest of the time, between songs or when I am not in a position to listen to any is physically and mentally so painful. There are fleeting moments between that are ok, a funny moment but they never last and can never be relied upon to be there when you need them.

I don't want to live like this, knowing what the next moment without it will be like.  Yet perversely it keeps me alive always wanting to hear the next.  Hard to think clearly and make sense of what it really means, probably nothing Tbh, I think maybe I was a little lower than I thought, hard to notice when your head is filled with music and the images of your favourite and most engrossing music videos.

Here again

Been a while since got this bad, thought it wasba blip for day or two but its still here. So unbelievable low. Mostly lacking in any energy or life except for enough to feel bouts of intense anger.

I have wasted everything, I take for granted my boyfriend and I do tell him how much I appreciate him etc and check how he is and that he ok with things. But we do nothing together, literally nothing. Not through a lack of me asking, I just do.t seem worth doing anything with. Though he can go ice skating with work I cannot go out with him one day/night. I would love to have do.e that.

Doing things like that brings you closer to people, you like more those you have fun with. Well if he doesnt spend time enough to have fun with me (always busy, ill, not feeling like it) then it won't be hard to like someone there more than me.

I never cry but its taking everything to keep the tears in my eyes and not streaming down my face. I feel like such a waste of a life, what is the point taking up air and space. It took me by suprise so the energy to get anything started and the ability to see the point in anything is non-existant.

I do want to die, I know i can't because of my mum and she is still (natually) struggling bad with losing my dad. But right now is worse than death, I want it to end, not temporarily, not chemically just so totally that all of this is goes and there is no risk of it returning. I bring nothing to anyone or anything and I'm only damaging to those closest, mostly myself.

Screwed

But at least when something does screw me it stays true to myself and does it so completely that its impossible for it to have screwed me more. Yes I'm ducking pissed off about something but I have to go to bed so no time to type.

Give me a mirror, I think I have mug written on my head

Some people are born to be the target. Problem is people do.t know what they risk doing it to me. 99% of the time I will take it, get depressed or just quietly seethe because my sensible subconcience tells me its the safest plan. 0.5% of the time they will see a flash of what is there, a brief moment of the most intense anger.

That doesn't last long though and that same sensibility will supress it. Some people won't forget, they learn and are more cautious. Most are stupid and continue to push and push.I do everything I can to keep it down, I know what's there but sooner or later I have, I guess a kind of blackout. I don't remember the line being crossed and all I have to know waht happened is having to deal with the aftermath.

Often it comes out at myself, ho.early I prefer it that way. I know the violence in my mind and when I hit that breaking point I know that violence to myself usually pulls me out of it, pain does soothe and brings me back to my senses. On rare occasions it is at the person provoking me. When I can see it heading this way it scares the shit out of me, especially when I can't avoid the situation.

As you guessed I'm headed that route now. This person pushed and pushed. She saw the flash, knows I'm neither as stupid or as placid and easy a target as she did think. But still she pushes. She has bullied, name called and generally treated me like shit. Mostly I have ignored it, complained with co workers about her (she is fairly universally hated) and got it out of my system in safe ways. This event had witnesses and they came to me saying "did she really just do that?". Part of me just thought I was making a big deal of it but this made me see I had the right to be as pissed of as I was.

Instinct said speak to the union, and I was going to but I know it would go further and I do not need the stress nor the confrontation. I was pushed to talk to one specific rep when the one I looked for wasn't there but he is too argumentative and militant so I decided to speak to a manager I trust.

Best call I could have made, he promised to be careful but to try to find out what was going on. Not saying I had mentioned it or anything, just to find out whether there was an underlying reason for the situation that happened.

Out of context I guess it seems out of proportion, I was working (having already been moved and given, along with someone else) a lot of attitude. Already made to feel like I had done something wrong, and placed on a station with one other person (room for 4). 10 minutes later she approached with 3 women who apparently cannot work apart. A man is moved from his place 5ft away on another station, I replace him and the 3 get to work together and replace me. Makes no logical sense and is just one example of continuing harassment. All other managers have manners and common sense, if someone working leave them alone unless you need them in diff area, then they ask politely. I never have a problem moving around but usually its to do a diff job, not just being shuffled to fit those she likes in.

People get away with doing nothing, playing on their phone, talking and taking up all space so no one else. An actually do their job yet it would be the other person (often me) that then gets told off when you have to stop and wait for them to move. And if you ask them to move or say anything the bitchiness is unreal and of course that manager is on their side.

There are some staff now, properly employed not casual staff, that do not speak a word of English. I mean literally not at all, these often are the ones that need to be in group, one is a translator. In a job that requires communication, the ability to read and speak English this is unreal. Other staff are kicked from where they are to accomodate them yet they are proven to he responsible for many of the errors we have. There are casual staff that are amazing and knowledgeable workers yet they are not offered contracts while people that don't understand when you try to explain something to them all get jobs.

Don't get me wrong, some are really really nice people but I refuse to take the blame for an error where I am when I know who it is (i often see them do it but when you explain and they nod and smile then do it again it gets frustrating).

I don't want this to go to the union, the manager is very vindictive and I will pay somehow if she does but it will be harder to prove. The manager I spoke to agreed totally that what happened was wrong, I only mentioned that instance but if it carries on I have to say something before something bad happens. I said to him I wasn't trying to start trouble, that's why I went to him, he will be discreet. I just really want to smash her face in right now.

Gotta love lack of impulse control, just as well I trained myself so most people won't even know anything is wrong. My arm and hands are suffering though. Amusingly when I had my psych appointments (before I ditched him again) she played all nice saying can always talk to her etc but I'm glad I didn't after what she has said to me, it would be used against me and likely I wouldn't be able to prove a thing, would just be 'being crazy' or something. Would be her explanation for anything I did or said. Bitch.