These posts will all be written on a phone, hence the crappy spelling and tendency for it to type duck when I swear :)

Saturday, 31 March 2012

Ups downs and slides in the middle

Been a seriously odd week. If I hadn't mentioned (i hadnt) I have bipolar 1. Under control as far as the bits that tend to freak people or get me into shot, just stuff with some general weirdness and depression.

Within the last two weeks (ish) I'd noticed more weirdness. Not sleeping (more than normal) and what felt like more clarity. I watched videos and saw things in them I hadn't noticed before. The screen was clearer and I just felt closer to it all. I felt more alert, more energy but at the same time I felt exhausted physically like I was trying to fix or carry everything at once.

My concentration was appalling, it always is but it was getting silly and becomming a big problem at work. Then something happened that I knew I couldn't ignore. I get headaches a lot, worse as it gets warmer as I suspect its a combination of stress and dehydration and no matter how much I drink I throw up from too much before I ever stop feeling thirsty (not diabetic already had that checked)

So I was driving home, normal route, nothing exciting going on. Don't smoke in car, not messing with stereo and not on or near phone (im not that stupid). Sitting at the worst junction ever and watching for lights to change. No idea what happened but sudden awful pain in my head and when I looked up I was in the middle of the junction, I had put my foot down. Two cars were coming and I was literally terrified, couldn't believe what I had done and couldn't remember doing it. Carried on when clear and pulled over just across it waiting for something to happen, police to come or something.

Spent next day in fear of a knock on the door, scared of having to drive to work again.  I did though and have since with no problems. What scares me most is not quite knowing why. I've slept more since then so if that was linked ill be keeping a watch.

I think it pushed me a bit, got really worked up not just about that, just hyper in general. Id been seeing things, well, have been for a long time but was getting bit more intense and that got bit worse, as did paranoia but still full of energy. Thursday I made a point of doing one of the most physical jobs at work and literally working like a madwoman to tire myself out even if just physically. Just hoping that it would override my brains desire to not sleep. Didn't feel like I could stop, felt alive doing it and what seemed like an endless amount of energy.

It did work, felt like crap next day cos still hadn't slept enough but by today I seem to have got about there.

Joyous (read hellish, agonizing) time of the month. Beginning to wonder if that had triggered the bipolar in some way, odd that it doesn't to that extent normally but I'm not ruling it out, will have to keep a check. Seems to be just before it starts as it did start thurs night. Today I feel a lot calmer I guess, though its more an emptiness. Feel pretty low. As bad as the hyper/manic parts can be, they gave me energy, desire to do stuff and ideas and so much more and I miss most of it.

Now I feel like I have nothing, stomachs ache, boredom, lack of desire for anything and devoid of creative ideas.

Would like to buy an intermediate state please............. Someone once said it was called normality but I'm not too sure what that is.

Sunday, 25 March 2012

First post

This is purely intended to be posts from my phone. Expect a lot of typos and prob a lot of me being pissed off. Maybe some pretty pictures or cool links if I work out how to do that.