These posts will all be written on a phone, hence the crappy spelling and tendency for it to type duck when I swear :)

Monday, 17 September 2012

Everything i always hoped for for myself I gave up on a long time ago. All I've hoped for since then has been to do with 'us'.  Now it just seems to be being systematically destroyed and I don't know how much hope is left.

I could let some go, and have let a lot go with very little fight considering its importance (to me at least). More and more is adding up though and this us no longer anywhere close to the life I hoped for, even the shitty version.

Everything I was has been taken away from me, everything I wanted to be. I thought we would make something else but still good but there doesn't seem to be anything I hoped for that I have any hope of doing anymore. Some simple things, living in a clean house, things being like everyone else, chores, watching stuff together, just something normal. Travelling abroad to see bands, all the places I wanted to go even if you werent fussed you would go with me, satisfied just to be with me and for me to be happy.

All you want to do is be alone, never out (or even in) with me, together not in seperate rooms, just spending time together.

The lower I get the more I want to be alone and nothing gets better because you don't even notice. You can't ignore some things and if you miss signs then I suffer because I will be blind to them in the centre.

Accept that some things are a symptom of an illness and don't shout, get impatient or upset if I don't or can't do what you want. At those times I truly don't know how to do them. Paranoia, mistrust, irritability, they are all things I need you to be patient with. If you can't then you will only ever make me worse and I'm starting to see I can't live like that.

I need to find out what I need to do to make things right but if you can't have the patience to deal with those things then there is no point. I hold things in all the time, I do what needs to be done at the time but when I'm bitten I will bite back and there is the problem.

I don't know what to do now, it all has been depending on you but you haven't noticed, you have got impatient and arguments only drive me closer to something that I don't know. Both are things I see badly for me and not overly for you in the end. Yes, sperversly I am thinking of which us best for you in the long run regardless if that for me.

Wednesday, 12 September 2012

What to do

What do you do when something you held on to is destroyed. Something that to you meant a hope of doing something, sharing something. But the hope was a lie, the person is not the one you thought and maybe there are too many differences. This is not something I can let go. I had hoped so much but that it's something that will make you happy just isn't enough for someone to do it for you even though it doesn't hurt them and they might enjoy.

I don't have friends to do it with, I thought I could have a normal relationship, just in this one aspect but now I'm destined to rot away here living the same thing over and over. No hope of something different, a break from it all. All the things I wanted to do are never going to happen

I have only two choices I can see and both of them are going to destroy me. I can risk always being alone and find someone who wants to do what I do, or someone who is as prepared to do things to make me happy as I would be for them or I can save myself a life of knowing how it could have been and just give up instead. I don't really care which at this point.

Monday, 25 June 2012

I've been trying to write this for a while but it is a difficult topic. I need to point out that I do not know this person except for their music.

A few days ago there was a post on the facebook feed from a couple of people, musicians, I have on as friends. A young guy had posted on his Twitter some words that did not show a good state of mind. He also posted a picture showing a large amount if sleeping pills.  The posts I saw confirmed that he had taken his life. I looked at his Twitter page, I don't know if the profile picture he posted was recent, it looked it.  It hit me quite hard, more so than the pills picture, but as I looked into his eyes I recognized a whole lot more than I wanted to.
He had a lot going for him, I know he had friends, good work, a lot if talent. What he was trying to bear each day though, I know at least a little of it.  The pain and how we bear it is different for all if us, some bear it for longer than others, some even overcome it. Most of us bear it for as long as we can, until the pain that eats away inside becomes stronger than the ability to protect others from it.
Only we know how close we are to breaking at any one time but sometimes we don't see it the same, it  tricks and lies. It's fine to tell us that's what its doing but when something is telling you something over and over for years, and when that voice comes from inside you, it looks like you, walks and talks like you and it is much much harder to ignore.

I envy this man one thing, people did try to help him, they were there for him, checked on him. They tried to know what he was going through. I don't know what that's like, maybe it would be frustrating to have people so close, more people to be afraid of hurting.
When I try to talk to the only person I have all that happens is we fight. I try to say it but something always gets in the way, something stupid like 'do you want a coffee' and then he won't listen to anything no matter how important until that question is answered and I can't think because if everything going through my mind and the fact it has probably taken me a hell of a long time to work up the courage and words to say what I want.

Anyway, what I noticed was the comments that came after the sad news. People were devastated which is a natural reaction. All people that take that final action understand the inevitability that we will hurt people, it is trying to prevent that which makes us hold on longer than we wish we had to. There is always a point, though, at which the pain is too much.
Our pain hurts others too, and that is how the thought digs in that eventually their pain will be less if we are gone. The other strong reaction is anger. That hurts me to see. People are seeing it only from their view, the pain they feel in that time. I do understand that too but they do the dead a great disservice. The people who are angry are the reason the person stayed alive so long.

I see everywhere people likening mental illness to physical ones, trying to make people understand us better. They are right, noone chooses this, but this pain can't be measured, they can't just give us painkillers. Even professionals don't fully understand, a lit of medications are hit and miss and even more damaging than the condition. Yet we endure it to please those we love, to show we are trying.
Anger us natural, most people are angry when someone dies naturally, through illness, accident. But the anger is directed at something I feel is more apt, god, the person responsible for the accident, the murderer etc. People aren't generally angry at the person for getting the illness, for not beating it. Yet when someone succumbs to crippling and unbelievable depression they are deemed at fault?

Even people who have suffered (and still do) themselves are angry. I think people forget that pain is subjective. Push a pin into my arm it will hurt, the same pin in same place in your arm may hurt you more or less, you may ask for it to stop sooner, or later. We all have different tolerances to things.
The people who get through may be angry because they think they know, but noone can ever know how much another suffers.  Sometimes the thought that one day we will be free just isn't anywhere close to enough.

It is never about the people left behind. People think its selfish to take your life, I think its selfish to try to force them not to by using their love for others to emotionally blackmail them. Helping is one thing, but a friend recognizes that they shouldn't be making someone suffer something unimaginable just because they don't want to be hurt.
We do everything we can to avoid hurting people. Often that hurts us even more. We spend most of our time trying to protect you. We seek help, we do what you ask. But when we have had enough, please don't use yourselves to try to make us stay. There really are limits and we tend to know where they are, that's how we have survived them for so long.

I know it gets said you never know what's around the corner. That's true, but its more often a long life of insurmountable pain than it is a miracle that makes us happy we stayed.
Im very tired, and I know most of what I tried to say was way better when it started forming in my head a few days ago, hell it was better when I started writing well over an hour ago.
I am not trying to say its right, but that those who blame people for doing it can never understand even if they think they know anything if those feelings. You cannot blame the person who did it, yourself, or anyone. Just be proud that they had people like you holding them up while they were here, that meant a lot to them I promise you.

Thursday, 31 May 2012


The transformation was amazing, usually I can't see it so clearly but from suicidal depression and back again was like switches clicking in and out of place. I have the front on, for work, home. Partly for my own protection, partly because others need stuff from me and I'm trying to help.

Weeks of feeling like suicide, planning it, dreaming of it and then, with one event, mania. I love thunderstorms for this reason. The adrenaline flows and its like being a mad scientist except with the mental age and capacity to be amused easily of a 5 year old. Standing in torrential rain with thunder and forked lightning all around you is, quite simply, being alive. I get high off the electrical charge in the air, the feeling is exhillerating, nothing can match it. It is power, it isn't ashamed of it, it is loud, up front and beautiful. And it can kill without apology.

But it dies eventually and the feeling dies too. After any high the crash is bad. You are still charged but it becomes irritation and aggression. Then you feel like shit because all the negativity is directed at yourself and you are back to square 1. It was worth it for those brief moments though, I may not be happy about it but it's a reminder that i'm alive and for a while, my mind was pure.

Thursday, 24 May 2012

The sun is shining...hip hip hip.....oh fuck

So Tue summer is here. Just in time to catch my thyroid playing help. Having trouble getting up, staying awake and apparently standing upright. It is a visable problems at work, compounded by the fact that this stupid pill destroys so much physically and mentaly.

I know I couldn't hide what was going on yesterday my only blessing was that they don't know why. I am trying to not let it show but yesterday I had no choice but to roll the sleeve on my hidden arm a bit. Nothing to see, had bracelet so that it covered it, slipped sometimes but the slight cooling it provided was worth it.

My temperature control is shot, I am literally boiling here and eating/drip.king just makes me feel so ill. I know how important drinking enough is but it is difficult. I could hardly drink enough without throwing up before and now I need to drink at least half as much again.

Today I have stomach cramps, partially due to my stupidity when younger, I screwed a lot of my body not eating for so long and now I suffer for it. Again the heat makes it worse.  Of course there is also the stupid black top I have to wear under my work shirt for the sleeves. I know I have no one to blame but myself, no matter what made me start I still did it myself, and carried on. Ironically after having so much trouble because of it yesterday guess what I did last night.

I say 'did' but it was more what I tried to do. Apparently the skin o. My Tm is so thick from scar tissue now that what would have once opened me up wide now is just grazing it, even after almost hitting the blade across my arm there are barely any cuts. Bleeds just fine but for me it was being able to see something 'proper' for some time that would keep me from doing it again. Now I am just hunting for something sharper. I don't even have any feeling in one area I discovered but feel it or not, it still did not want to cut. I am angry that I have messed up so badly my skin won't even cut properly, mad that I did it, mad that I can't do it, mad that I suffer in heat because of it and that I have to walk around with one sleeve rolled down all the time to hide it.

I'm tired of all this, I always become a bit suicidal around this time because it highlights all the problems there are from pills, and that I have caused myself. It would be easier I know, the hard part is trying to remember why not to.w

Saturday, 5 May 2012

Meh and rant

Coming to the end of a really depressing week. Done nothing fun, not through lack of trying to get to do something. Really does seem it's ok to do stuff with other people (that's of course only for work) but not to do anything with me.

It is actually impossible to put into words how I feel, closest though nowhere really accurate are lost, lonely, depressed. Yet another week has been wasted. Angry should be in there to, I feel really close to just letting everything break loose. After 5 or so years of him being out of work it was always said he would keep house nice, get garden done etc. Never happened, when it was ok enough for family to visit it never lasted even if I was never in main room it would be a pigsty days later and never tidied again.

Even now, he does work but not full time (which I do) so he said he would get it done (for the record the room I am always in - study) is not a smelling pigsty like where he is.  Only when he wasn't working did I ask him to do all housework. Now I want what he said he would do done then we both do our bit. I'm just pissed off I guess that after all this time its as if it suddenly doesn't matter that I carried him for so long (and would do again, I never begrudged it, just wished for more help).

On a seperate note, the woman that got 'mauled' by cheetahs in the news. Anyone with a brain knows no wild animal can be totally tame. The owners were irresponsible but she and the others in there were just plain stupid. Even domestic animals can turn in the wrong conditions you should never be lax in you attention with them and what's going on around.

There's no way they mauled her, if they had truly attacked her she would be in pieces rout now. I know what damage domestic cats can do when playing and they can retract their claws, cheetahs can't so they play there's a good chance you will be hurt. I hope these animals will not be blamed and killed because of yet more human errors.

Thursday, 3 May 2012

Ok is not all its cracked up to be

I don't feel that bad, not great but not depressed really. Yet I feel I can see things clearer than I want to. I can see my life how it is now and how it is going to be for the rest of my life. I dont want it to be this way. Empty apart from when I can totally focus on music. It's sad to think that is the only thing I have that can do that and I feel terrible for the people I know I should feel that way about.

It's always been that way and I always thank my dad for bringing me so much music when I was young, without it I wouldn't be here. But it depresses me that this is it, for eternity I will be held together only if I am listening to music. The rest of the time, between songs or when I am not in a position to listen to any is physically and mentally so painful. There are fleeting moments between that are ok, a funny moment but they never last and can never be relied upon to be there when you need them.

I don't want to live like this, knowing what the next moment without it will be like.  Yet perversely it keeps me alive always wanting to hear the next.  Hard to think clearly and make sense of what it really means, probably nothing Tbh, I think maybe I was a little lower than I thought, hard to notice when your head is filled with music and the images of your favourite and most engrossing music videos.

Sunday, 29 April 2012

Here again

Been a while since got this bad, thought it wasba blip for day or two but its still here. So unbelievable low. Mostly lacking in any energy or life except for enough to feel bouts of intense anger.

I have wasted everything, I take for granted my boyfriend and I do tell him how much I appreciate him etc and check how he is and that he ok with things. But we do nothing together, literally nothing. Not through a lack of me asking, I just do.t seem worth doing anything with. Though he can go ice skating with work I cannot go out with him one day/night. I would love to have do.e that.

Doing things like that brings you closer to people, you like more those you have fun with. Well if he doesnt spend time enough to have fun with me (always busy, ill, not feeling like it) then it won't be hard to like someone there more than me.

I never cry but its taking everything to keep the tears in my eyes and not streaming down my face. I feel like such a waste of a life, what is the point taking up air and space. It took me by suprise so the energy to get anything started and the ability to see the point in anything is non-existant.

I do want to die, I know i can't because of my mum and she is still (natually) struggling bad with losing my dad. But right now is worse than death, I want it to end, not temporarily, not chemically just so totally that all of this is goes and there is no risk of it returning. I bring nothing to anyone or anything and I'm only damaging to those closest, mostly myself.

Thursday, 12 April 2012


But at least when something does screw me it stays true to myself and does it so completely that its impossible for it to have screwed me more. Yes I'm ducking pissed off about something but I have to go to bed so no time to type.

Give me a mirror, I think I have mug written on my head

Some people are born to be the target. Problem is people do.t know what they risk doing it to me. 99% of the time I will take it, get depressed or just quietly seethe because my sensible subconcience tells me its the safest plan. 0.5% of the time they will see a flash of what is there, a brief moment of the most intense anger.

That doesn't last long though and that same sensibility will supress it. Some people won't forget, they learn and are more cautious. Most are stupid and continue to push and push.I do everything I can to keep it down, I know what's there but sooner or later I have, I guess a kind of blackout. I don't remember the line being crossed and all I have to know waht happened is having to deal with the aftermath.

Often it comes out at myself, ho.early I prefer it that way. I know the violence in my mind and when I hit that breaking point I know that violence to myself usually pulls me out of it, pain does soothe and brings me back to my senses. On rare occasions it is at the person provoking me. When I can see it heading this way it scares the shit out of me, especially when I can't avoid the situation.

As you guessed I'm headed that route now. This person pushed and pushed. She saw the flash, knows I'm neither as stupid or as placid and easy a target as she did think. But still she pushes. She has bullied, name called and generally treated me like shit. Mostly I have ignored it, complained with co workers about her (she is fairly universally hated) and got it out of my system in safe ways. This event had witnesses and they came to me saying "did she really just do that?". Part of me just thought I was making a big deal of it but this made me see I had the right to be as pissed of as I was.

Instinct said speak to the union, and I was going to but I know it would go further and I do not need the stress nor the confrontation. I was pushed to talk to one specific rep when the one I looked for wasn't there but he is too argumentative and militant so I decided to speak to a manager I trust.

Best call I could have made, he promised to be careful but to try to find out what was going on. Not saying I had mentioned it or anything, just to find out whether there was an underlying reason for the situation that happened.

Out of context I guess it seems out of proportion, I was working (having already been moved and given, along with someone else) a lot of attitude. Already made to feel like I had done something wrong, and placed on a station with one other person (room for 4). 10 minutes later she approached with 3 women who apparently cannot work apart. A man is moved from his place 5ft away on another station, I replace him and the 3 get to work together and replace me. Makes no logical sense and is just one example of continuing harassment. All other managers have manners and common sense, if someone working leave them alone unless you need them in diff area, then they ask politely. I never have a problem moving around but usually its to do a diff job, not just being shuffled to fit those she likes in.

People get away with doing nothing, playing on their phone, talking and taking up all space so no one else. An actually do their job yet it would be the other person (often me) that then gets told off when you have to stop and wait for them to move. And if you ask them to move or say anything the bitchiness is unreal and of course that manager is on their side.

There are some staff now, properly employed not casual staff, that do not speak a word of English. I mean literally not at all, these often are the ones that need to be in group, one is a translator. In a job that requires communication, the ability to read and speak English this is unreal. Other staff are kicked from where they are to accomodate them yet they are proven to he responsible for many of the errors we have. There are casual staff that are amazing and knowledgeable workers yet they are not offered contracts while people that don't understand when you try to explain something to them all get jobs.

Don't get me wrong, some are really really nice people but I refuse to take the blame for an error where I am when I know who it is (i often see them do it but when you explain and they nod and smile then do it again it gets frustrating).

I don't want this to go to the union, the manager is very vindictive and I will pay somehow if she does but it will be harder to prove. The manager I spoke to agreed totally that what happened was wrong, I only mentioned that instance but if it carries on I have to say something before something bad happens. I said to him I wasn't trying to start trouble, that's why I went to him, he will be discreet. I just really want to smash her face in right now.

Gotta love lack of impulse control, just as well I trained myself so most people won't even know anything is wrong. My arm and hands are suffering though. Amusingly when I had my psych appointments (before I ditched him again) she played all nice saying can always talk to her etc but I'm glad I didn't after what she has said to me, it would be used against me and likely I wouldn't be able to prove a thing, would just be 'being crazy' or something. Would be her explanation for anything I did or said. Bitch.

Friday, 6 April 2012


We all wear masks. Most people have theirs on for people the want to impress or people they hate but can't show it. Mine is all the time. It is partly for others, who I am and what I think isn't generally a good thing for others to see. But a lot of it is for me. It's odd to know you are hiding from yourself and being as you know what's inside you better than any, it is really hard to do.

For me it is simply a distraction to allow me to at least pretend to get on with things. Like a wall between me and my thoughts. The ones that get through are the ones I hide from others but when I am alone they are the ones that tear me apart.

The mask I know isn't a great thing, the worst thing is when you do realize you have to talk or ask for help. My mask is so set that I just look like I am lying. I can admit to seeing, hearing and thinking the most horrific things and look like I am giving someone directions or something. But that's just the only way I am able to do it. When I am overwhelmed by something the last thing I will be able to do is articulate it and when I fall apart I always make sure there is no one around to see.

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

The inconsistencies of mood

<p>Ok ish day,<b> </b>hadn't felt too bad. Later in evening paranoia started to take hold and I knew what I was being judged on - looks. What puts me off pushing with the music is the lack of confidence. Even now I keep myself out of having to meet people if I can help it, they all judge me the same.

I know what's needed, a nose job, facial moles all removed and then I would work my ass off to lose the weight the dank drugs have put on me. Not like I eat much anyway but I know I can do that bit myself. Just doesn't seem worth it right now when the stuff I can't currently change will still be there.

I seriously hate myself, the way I look and how it makes me see everyone else as superior to me and I nearly broke down a few times today.  I can't get the ops anyway no money and can't while mum alive would feel like I was betraying her and I know I would be made to feel bad about it.

If I could maintain confidence and some form of social ability I could prob get by even if still not hope of performing music but I can't ignore him shouting in my head all these terrible things that I know he is right.

I hate myself so much but am too much of a coward to do much except carve my arm up and make me even less attractive and give me more stress having to hide it, especially in the hot weather. My own fault I know but viscious circle, feel shitty anyway, cut, feel shitty cos of that....more cut more shitty feeling aaaaaand so on :'( fuck that shit I ever win money I'm gonna buy the only hope in help of me having a life - surgery.

Tuesday, 3 April 2012


The most irritating thing I find happening sometimes is knowing how you feel, but being unable to put it into word. Literally not even one word is coming to mind.

A lot is making ne feel off kilter.  The game I play, the euro players have been sold off to some German company and since with their track record I won't be giving them any money it looks like I won't be playing when they hand over. I'm not the only one upset by this I know but the time heading closer is filling me with dread.

For a couple of years this game has filled up every second I have. It has kept me occupied when I would have otherwise been distracted by my thoughts and often has kept me safe. I have invested a lot mentally and monetarily into it and its not an exaggeration to say I will be devastated. It does bother me how I will handle it but I am already playing as if there is no point doing all that much.

A very slight part of me is wondering if it will be good for me in the long run though. Maybe I will start reading again, there is a lot I have meant to read for a long time. Maybe I will write more, paint more, work out how the hell to use my synthesizer and write music to go with my lyrics.

But even thinking of what I could do instead I just have a sinking feeling when I think of losing the game. Nothing in it is real I know, its just pixels but I get obsessive. Not full ocd or anything but the closest you can get I guess. Like I said every second of time I'm not at work I'm on it so its a help of a mental gap to fill.

It is a crutch and I knew I wouldn't play forever but I thought is get bored not that id be pushed out of it before I wanted to leave and when I was finally starting to push myself to do the things in it I wanted to but didn't dare (involving myself with other people) and that would have been good for me.

Pfft fuck it I am really pissed at it and trying to describe more how its making me feel just makes me sound sad and desperate.

I guess I did have more words than I thought, it just still doesn't feel enough and I know its not all about the game that's bothering me. Got one thing off my chest though so that's something.

Saturday, 31 March 2012

Ups downs and slides in the middle

Been a seriously odd week. If I hadn't mentioned (i hadnt) I have bipolar 1. Under control as far as the bits that tend to freak people or get me into shot, just stuff with some general weirdness and depression.

Within the last two weeks (ish) I'd noticed more weirdness. Not sleeping (more than normal) and what felt like more clarity. I watched videos and saw things in them I hadn't noticed before. The screen was clearer and I just felt closer to it all. I felt more alert, more energy but at the same time I felt exhausted physically like I was trying to fix or carry everything at once.

My concentration was appalling, it always is but it was getting silly and becomming a big problem at work. Then something happened that I knew I couldn't ignore. I get headaches a lot, worse as it gets warmer as I suspect its a combination of stress and dehydration and no matter how much I drink I throw up from too much before I ever stop feeling thirsty (not diabetic already had that checked)

So I was driving home, normal route, nothing exciting going on. Don't smoke in car, not messing with stereo and not on or near phone (im not that stupid). Sitting at the worst junction ever and watching for lights to change. No idea what happened but sudden awful pain in my head and when I looked up I was in the middle of the junction, I had put my foot down. Two cars were coming and I was literally terrified, couldn't believe what I had done and couldn't remember doing it. Carried on when clear and pulled over just across it waiting for something to happen, police to come or something.

Spent next day in fear of a knock on the door, scared of having to drive to work again.  I did though and have since with no problems. What scares me most is not quite knowing why. I've slept more since then so if that was linked ill be keeping a watch.

I think it pushed me a bit, got really worked up not just about that, just hyper in general. Id been seeing things, well, have been for a long time but was getting bit more intense and that got bit worse, as did paranoia but still full of energy. Thursday I made a point of doing one of the most physical jobs at work and literally working like a madwoman to tire myself out even if just physically. Just hoping that it would override my brains desire to not sleep. Didn't feel like I could stop, felt alive doing it and what seemed like an endless amount of energy.

It did work, felt like crap next day cos still hadn't slept enough but by today I seem to have got about there.

Joyous (read hellish, agonizing) time of the month. Beginning to wonder if that had triggered the bipolar in some way, odd that it doesn't to that extent normally but I'm not ruling it out, will have to keep a check. Seems to be just before it starts as it did start thurs night. Today I feel a lot calmer I guess, though its more an emptiness. Feel pretty low. As bad as the hyper/manic parts can be, they gave me energy, desire to do stuff and ideas and so much more and I miss most of it.

Now I feel like I have nothing, stomachs ache, boredom, lack of desire for anything and devoid of creative ideas.

Would like to buy an intermediate state please............. Someone once said it was called normality but I'm not too sure what that is.

Sunday, 25 March 2012

First post

This is purely intended to be posts from my phone. Expect a lot of typos and prob a lot of me being pissed off. Maybe some pretty pictures or cool links if I work out how to do that.