These posts will all be written on a phone, hence the crappy spelling and tendency for it to type duck when I swear :)

Sunday, 27 January 2013

To quit or not to quit

Had been thinking for a very long time about getting rid of medication (mostly anyway). Doc didn't seem to think it was a bad idea so went for it. Was reducing two of them, in a month down to half epilim and 400 lithium (was 1200

I'm really torn what do do/say to him. Supposed to speak to him last week about how it was going but I don't want to just have bad stufff to tell him. Right now I'm thinking in ways I hadn't for a while, hadn't cut for quite a while but now is extremely difficult not to.

Paranoia got much worse, racing thoughts, flashing images in front if my eyes. It like thoughts were real and sadistic. Only showing me the nastiest images/memories it can and flashing hem in such quick succession that its like being hit in the head with an invisible but very real hammer.  Went about 4 days no sleep, mixed episode would be closest I think. Had he energy but felt so very very wrong and bad and all that energy seemed to be targetting the vulnerable parts of me, pushing me to hate myself and everything.

Even now I'm having trouble keeping he images away but have no idea what to do other that pop painkillers or drink (or cut I guess). No point trying to tell bf, only response will be what am I supposed to do about it (not said in the most sensitive way - more like 'yeah and....). But saying that I have no answer to it, I have no idea waht I want someone to do. Listening and acting reasonably concerned would be a start, I don't expect someone to understand or know exactly how it feels, just to showw care, offer a hug, not forget I've told you about it 2 minutes later. It doesn't go away that fast forme I wish it did.

I don't want to quit quitting the pills, I know I am thinking clearer and have slightly more motivation but for it to be worth it I need to get past these espisodes that just kill any will I have to follow through. Right now what I almost feel like doing are just thinklgs for thoughts to beat me with (why bother, you'll never do it, be shit anyway, you will give up like everything else).

I just don't want to tell him about the problems and risk him making me take more (even if only up a little to what it was) I just am really worried about how bad this could get. I know it can be weeks before things are noticeably bad, been just over 4 weeks now, is his just he beginning or Di I now have to make a choice between ky thoughts and mood controlling me, or putting up wiht he things that drove me to want to stop taking them in he first place.

Monday, 17 September 2012

Everything i always hoped for for myself I gave up on a long time ago. All I've hoped for since then has been to do with 'us'.  Now it just seems to be being systematically destroyed and I don't know how much hope is left.

I could let some go, and have let a lot go with very little fight considering its importance (to me at least). More and more is adding up though and this us no longer anywhere close to the life I hoped for, even the shitty version.

Everything I was has been taken away from me, everything I wanted to be. I thought we would make something else but still good but there doesn't seem to be anything I hoped for that I have any hope of doing anymore. Some simple things, living in a clean house, things being like everyone else, chores, watching stuff together, just something normal. Travelling abroad to see bands, all the places I wanted to go even if you werent fussed you would go with me, satisfied just to be with me and for me to be happy.

All you want to do is be alone, never out (or even in) with me, together not in seperate rooms, just spending time together.

The lower I get the more I want to be alone and nothing gets better because you don't even notice. You can't ignore some things and if you miss signs then I suffer because I will be blind to them in the centre.

Accept that some things are a symptom of an illness and don't shout, get impatient or upset if I don't or can't do what you want. At those times I truly don't know how to do them. Paranoia, mistrust, irritability, they are all things I need you to be patient with. If you can't then you will only ever make me worse and I'm starting to see I can't live like that.

I need to find out what I need to do to make things right but if you can't have the patience to deal with those things then there is no point. I hold things in all the time, I do what needs to be done at the time but when I'm bitten I will bite back and there is the problem.

I don't know what to do now, it all has been depending on you but you haven't noticed, you have got impatient and arguments only drive me closer to something that I don't know. Both are things I see badly for me and not overly for you in the end. Yes, sperversly I am thinking of which us best for you in the long run regardless if that for me.

Wednesday, 12 September 2012

What to do

What do you do when something you held on to is destroyed. Something that to you meant a hope of doing something, sharing something. But the hope was a lie, the person is not the one you thought and maybe there are too many differences. This is not something I can let go. I had hoped so much but that it's something that will make you happy just isn't enough for someone to do it for you even though it doesn't hurt them and they might enjoy.

I don't have friends to do it with, I thought I could have a normal relationship, just in this one aspect but now I'm destined to rot away here living the same thing over and over. No hope of something different, a break from it all. All the things I wanted to do are never going to happen

I have only two choices I can see and both of them are going to destroy me. I can risk always being alone and find someone who wants to do what I do, or someone who is as prepared to do things to make me happy as I would be for them or I can save myself a life of knowing how it could have been and just give up instead. I don't really care which at this point.

Monday, 25 June 2012

I've been trying to write this for a while but it is a difficult topic. I need to point out that I do not know this person except for their music.

A few days ago there was a post on the facebook feed from a couple of people, musicians, I have on as friends. A young guy had posted on his Twitter some words that did not show a good state of mind. He also posted a picture showing a large amount if sleeping pills.  The posts I saw confirmed that he had taken his life. I looked at his Twitter page, I don't know if the profile picture he posted was recent, it looked it.  It hit me quite hard, more so than the pills picture, but as I looked into his eyes I recognized a whole lot more than I wanted to.
He had a lot going for him, I know he had friends, good work, a lot if talent. What he was trying to bear each day though, I know at least a little of it.  The pain and how we bear it is different for all if us, some bear it for longer than others, some even overcome it. Most of us bear it for as long as we can, until the pain that eats away inside becomes stronger than the ability to protect others from it.
Only we know how close we are to breaking at any one time but sometimes we don't see it the same, it  tricks and lies. It's fine to tell us that's what its doing but when something is telling you something over and over for years, and when that voice comes from inside you, it looks like you, walks and talks like you and it is much much harder to ignore.

I envy this man one thing, people did try to help him, they were there for him, checked on him. They tried to know what he was going through. I don't know what that's like, maybe it would be frustrating to have people so close, more people to be afraid of hurting.
When I try to talk to the only person I have all that happens is we fight. I try to say it but something always gets in the way, something stupid like 'do you want a coffee' and then he won't listen to anything no matter how important until that question is answered and I can't think because if everything going through my mind and the fact it has probably taken me a hell of a long time to work up the courage and words to say what I want.

Anyway, what I noticed was the comments that came after the sad news. People were devastated which is a natural reaction. All people that take that final action understand the inevitability that we will hurt people, it is trying to prevent that which makes us hold on longer than we wish we had to. There is always a point, though, at which the pain is too much.
Our pain hurts others too, and that is how the thought digs in that eventually their pain will be less if we are gone. The other strong reaction is anger. That hurts me to see. People are seeing it only from their view, the pain they feel in that time. I do understand that too but they do the dead a great disservice. The people who are angry are the reason the person stayed alive so long.

I see everywhere people likening mental illness to physical ones, trying to make people understand us better. They are right, noone chooses this, but this pain can't be measured, they can't just give us painkillers. Even professionals don't fully understand, a lit of medications are hit and miss and even more damaging than the condition. Yet we endure it to please those we love, to show we are trying.
Anger us natural, most people are angry when someone dies naturally, through illness, accident. But the anger is directed at something I feel is more apt, god, the person responsible for the accident, the murderer etc. People aren't generally angry at the person for getting the illness, for not beating it. Yet when someone succumbs to crippling and unbelievable depression they are deemed at fault?

Even people who have suffered (and still do) themselves are angry. I think people forget that pain is subjective. Push a pin into my arm it will hurt, the same pin in same place in your arm may hurt you more or less, you may ask for it to stop sooner, or later. We all have different tolerances to things.
The people who get through may be angry because they think they know, but noone can ever know how much another suffers.  Sometimes the thought that one day we will be free just isn't anywhere close to enough.

It is never about the people left behind. People think its selfish to take your life, I think its selfish to try to force them not to by using their love for others to emotionally blackmail them. Helping is one thing, but a friend recognizes that they shouldn't be making someone suffer something unimaginable just because they don't want to be hurt.
We do everything we can to avoid hurting people. Often that hurts us even more. We spend most of our time trying to protect you. We seek help, we do what you ask. But when we have had enough, please don't use yourselves to try to make us stay. There really are limits and we tend to know where they are, that's how we have survived them for so long.

I know it gets said you never know what's around the corner. That's true, but its more often a long life of insurmountable pain than it is a miracle that makes us happy we stayed.
Im very tired, and I know most of what I tried to say was way better when it started forming in my head a few days ago, hell it was better when I started writing well over an hour ago.
I am not trying to say its right, but that those who blame people for doing it can never understand even if they think they know anything if those feelings. You cannot blame the person who did it, yourself, or anyone. Just be proud that they had people like you holding them up while they were here, that meant a lot to them I promise you.

Thursday, 31 May 2012


The transformation was amazing, usually I can't see it so clearly but from suicidal depression and back again was like switches clicking in and out of place. I have the front on, for work, home. Partly for my own protection, partly because others need stuff from me and I'm trying to help.

Weeks of feeling like suicide, planning it, dreaming of it and then, with one event, mania. I love thunderstorms for this reason. The adrenaline flows and its like being a mad scientist except with the mental age and capacity to be amused easily of a 5 year old. Standing in torrential rain with thunder and forked lightning all around you is, quite simply, being alive. I get high off the electrical charge in the air, the feeling is exhillerating, nothing can match it. It is power, it isn't ashamed of it, it is loud, up front and beautiful. And it can kill without apology.

But it dies eventually and the feeling dies too. After any high the crash is bad. You are still charged but it becomes irritation and aggression. Then you feel like shit because all the negativity is directed at yourself and you are back to square 1. It was worth it for those brief moments though, I may not be happy about it but it's a reminder that i'm alive and for a while, my mind was pure.

Thursday, 24 May 2012

The sun is shining...hip hip hip.....oh fuck

So Tue summer is here. Just in time to catch my thyroid playing help. Having trouble getting up, staying awake and apparently standing upright. It is a visable problems at work, compounded by the fact that this stupid pill destroys so much physically and mentaly.

I know I couldn't hide what was going on yesterday my only blessing was that they don't know why. I am trying to not let it show but yesterday I had no choice but to roll the sleeve on my hidden arm a bit. Nothing to see, had bracelet so that it covered it, slipped sometimes but the slight cooling it provided was worth it.

My temperature control is shot, I am literally boiling here and eating/drip.king just makes me feel so ill. I know how important drinking enough is but it is difficult. I could hardly drink enough without throwing up before and now I need to drink at least half as much again.

Today I have stomach cramps, partially due to my stupidity when younger, I screwed a lot of my body not eating for so long and now I suffer for it. Again the heat makes it worse.  Of course there is also the stupid black top I have to wear under my work shirt for the sleeves. I know I have no one to blame but myself, no matter what made me start I still did it myself, and carried on. Ironically after having so much trouble because of it yesterday guess what I did last night.

I say 'did' but it was more what I tried to do. Apparently the skin o. My Tm is so thick from scar tissue now that what would have once opened me up wide now is just grazing it, even after almost hitting the blade across my arm there are barely any cuts. Bleeds just fine but for me it was being able to see something 'proper' for some time that would keep me from doing it again. Now I am just hunting for something sharper. I don't even have any feeling in one area I discovered but feel it or not, it still did not want to cut. I am angry that I have messed up so badly my skin won't even cut properly, mad that I did it, mad that I can't do it, mad that I suffer in heat because of it and that I have to walk around with one sleeve rolled down all the time to hide it.

I'm tired of all this, I always become a bit suicidal around this time because it highlights all the problems there are from pills, and that I have caused myself. It would be easier I know, the hard part is trying to remember why not to.w

Saturday, 5 May 2012

Meh and rant

Coming to the end of a really depressing week. Done nothing fun, not through lack of trying to get to do something. Really does seem it's ok to do stuff with other people (that's of course only for work) but not to do anything with me.

It is actually impossible to put into words how I feel, closest though nowhere really accurate are lost, lonely, depressed. Yet another week has been wasted. Angry should be in there to, I feel really close to just letting everything break loose. After 5 or so years of him being out of work it was always said he would keep house nice, get garden done etc. Never happened, when it was ok enough for family to visit it never lasted even if I was never in main room it would be a pigsty days later and never tidied again.

Even now, he does work but not full time (which I do) so he said he would get it done (for the record the room I am always in - study) is not a smelling pigsty like where he is.  Only when he wasn't working did I ask him to do all housework. Now I want what he said he would do done then we both do our bit. I'm just pissed off I guess that after all this time its as if it suddenly doesn't matter that I carried him for so long (and would do again, I never begrudged it, just wished for more help).

On a seperate note, the woman that got 'mauled' by cheetahs in the news. Anyone with a brain knows no wild animal can be totally tame. The owners were irresponsible but she and the others in there were just plain stupid. Even domestic animals can turn in the wrong conditions you should never be lax in you attention with them and what's going on around.

There's no way they mauled her, if they had truly attacked her she would be in pieces rout now. I know what damage domestic cats can do when playing and they can retract their claws, cheetahs can't so they play there's a good chance you will be hurt. I hope these animals will not be blamed and killed because of yet more human errors.