These posts will all be written on a phone, hence the crappy spelling and tendency for it to type duck when I swear :)

Monday, 17 September 2012

Everything i always hoped for for myself I gave up on a long time ago. All I've hoped for since then has been to do with 'us'.  Now it just seems to be being systematically destroyed and I don't know how much hope is left.

I could let some go, and have let a lot go with very little fight considering its importance (to me at least). More and more is adding up though and this us no longer anywhere close to the life I hoped for, even the shitty version.

Everything I was has been taken away from me, everything I wanted to be. I thought we would make something else but still good but there doesn't seem to be anything I hoped for that I have any hope of doing anymore. Some simple things, living in a clean house, things being like everyone else, chores, watching stuff together, just something normal. Travelling abroad to see bands, all the places I wanted to go even if you werent fussed you would go with me, satisfied just to be with me and for me to be happy.

All you want to do is be alone, never out (or even in) with me, together not in seperate rooms, just spending time together.

The lower I get the more I want to be alone and nothing gets better because you don't even notice. You can't ignore some things and if you miss signs then I suffer because I will be blind to them in the centre.

Accept that some things are a symptom of an illness and don't shout, get impatient or upset if I don't or can't do what you want. At those times I truly don't know how to do them. Paranoia, mistrust, irritability, they are all things I need you to be patient with. If you can't then you will only ever make me worse and I'm starting to see I can't live like that.

I need to find out what I need to do to make things right but if you can't have the patience to deal with those things then there is no point. I hold things in all the time, I do what needs to be done at the time but when I'm bitten I will bite back and there is the problem.

I don't know what to do now, it all has been depending on you but you haven't noticed, you have got impatient and arguments only drive me closer to something that I don't know. Both are things I see badly for me and not overly for you in the end. Yes, sperversly I am thinking of which us best for you in the long run regardless if that for me.

Wednesday, 12 September 2012

What to do

What do you do when something you held on to is destroyed. Something that to you meant a hope of doing something, sharing something. But the hope was a lie, the person is not the one you thought and maybe there are too many differences. This is not something I can let go. I had hoped so much but that it's something that will make you happy just isn't enough for someone to do it for you even though it doesn't hurt them and they might enjoy.

I don't have friends to do it with, I thought I could have a normal relationship, just in this one aspect but now I'm destined to rot away here living the same thing over and over. No hope of something different, a break from it all. All the things I wanted to do are never going to happen

I have only two choices I can see and both of them are going to destroy me. I can risk always being alone and find someone who wants to do what I do, or someone who is as prepared to do things to make me happy as I would be for them or I can save myself a life of knowing how it could have been and just give up instead. I don't really care which at this point.