These posts will all be written on a phone, hence the crappy spelling and tendency for it to type duck when I swear :)

Sunday, 27 January 2013

To quit or not to quit

Had been thinking for a very long time about getting rid of medication (mostly anyway). Doc didn't seem to think it was a bad idea so went for it. Was reducing two of them, in a month down to half epilim and 400 lithium (was 1200

I'm really torn what do do/say to him. Supposed to speak to him last week about how it was going but I don't want to just have bad stufff to tell him. Right now I'm thinking in ways I hadn't for a while, hadn't cut for quite a while but now is extremely difficult not to.

Paranoia got much worse, racing thoughts, flashing images in front if my eyes. It like thoughts were real and sadistic. Only showing me the nastiest images/memories it can and flashing hem in such quick succession that its like being hit in the head with an invisible but very real hammer.  Went about 4 days no sleep, mixed episode would be closest I think. Had he energy but felt so very very wrong and bad and all that energy seemed to be targetting the vulnerable parts of me, pushing me to hate myself and everything.

Even now I'm having trouble keeping he images away but have no idea what to do other that pop painkillers or drink (or cut I guess). No point trying to tell bf, only response will be what am I supposed to do about it (not said in the most sensitive way - more like 'yeah and....). But saying that I have no answer to it, I have no idea waht I want someone to do. Listening and acting reasonably concerned would be a start, I don't expect someone to understand or know exactly how it feels, just to showw care, offer a hug, not forget I've told you about it 2 minutes later. It doesn't go away that fast forme I wish it did.

I don't want to quit quitting the pills, I know I am thinking clearer and have slightly more motivation but for it to be worth it I need to get past these espisodes that just kill any will I have to follow through. Right now what I almost feel like doing are just thinklgs for thoughts to beat me with (why bother, you'll never do it, be shit anyway, you will give up like everything else).

I just don't want to tell him about the problems and risk him making me take more (even if only up a little to what it was) I just am really worried about how bad this could get. I know it can be weeks before things are noticeably bad, been just over 4 weeks now, is his just he beginning or Di I now have to make a choice between ky thoughts and mood controlling me, or putting up wiht he things that drove me to want to stop taking them in he first place.

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