These posts will all be written on a phone, hence the crappy spelling and tendency for it to type duck when I swear :)

Thursday, 24 May 2012

The sun is shining...hip hip hip.....oh fuck

So Tue summer is here. Just in time to catch my thyroid playing help. Having trouble getting up, staying awake and apparently standing upright. It is a visable problems at work, compounded by the fact that this stupid pill destroys so much physically and mentaly.

I know I couldn't hide what was going on yesterday my only blessing was that they don't know why. I am trying to not let it show but yesterday I had no choice but to roll the sleeve on my hidden arm a bit. Nothing to see, had bracelet so that it covered it, slipped sometimes but the slight cooling it provided was worth it.

My temperature control is shot, I am literally boiling here and eating/drip.king just makes me feel so ill. I know how important drinking enough is but it is difficult. I could hardly drink enough without throwing up before and now I need to drink at least half as much again.

Today I have stomach cramps, partially due to my stupidity when younger, I screwed a lot of my body not eating for so long and now I suffer for it. Again the heat makes it worse.  Of course there is also the stupid black top I have to wear under my work shirt for the sleeves. I know I have no one to blame but myself, no matter what made me start I still did it myself, and carried on. Ironically after having so much trouble because of it yesterday guess what I did last night.

I say 'did' but it was more what I tried to do. Apparently the skin o. My Tm is so thick from scar tissue now that what would have once opened me up wide now is just grazing it, even after almost hitting the blade across my arm there are barely any cuts. Bleeds just fine but for me it was being able to see something 'proper' for some time that would keep me from doing it again. Now I am just hunting for something sharper. I don't even have any feeling in one area I discovered but feel it or not, it still did not want to cut. I am angry that I have messed up so badly my skin won't even cut properly, mad that I did it, mad that I can't do it, mad that I suffer in heat because of it and that I have to walk around with one sleeve rolled down all the time to hide it.

I'm tired of all this, I always become a bit suicidal around this time because it highlights all the problems there are from pills, and that I have caused myself. It would be easier I know, the hard part is trying to remember why not to.w

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