These posts will all be written on a phone, hence the crappy spelling and tendency for it to type duck when I swear :)

Thursday, 31 May 2012


The transformation was amazing, usually I can't see it so clearly but from suicidal depression and back again was like switches clicking in and out of place. I have the front on, for work, home. Partly for my own protection, partly because others need stuff from me and I'm trying to help.

Weeks of feeling like suicide, planning it, dreaming of it and then, with one event, mania. I love thunderstorms for this reason. The adrenaline flows and its like being a mad scientist except with the mental age and capacity to be amused easily of a 5 year old. Standing in torrential rain with thunder and forked lightning all around you is, quite simply, being alive. I get high off the electrical charge in the air, the feeling is exhillerating, nothing can match it. It is power, it isn't ashamed of it, it is loud, up front and beautiful. And it can kill without apology.

But it dies eventually and the feeling dies too. After any high the crash is bad. You are still charged but it becomes irritation and aggression. Then you feel like shit because all the negativity is directed at yourself and you are back to square 1. It was worth it for those brief moments though, I may not be happy about it but it's a reminder that i'm alive and for a while, my mind was pure.

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