These posts will all be written on a phone, hence the crappy spelling and tendency for it to type duck when I swear :)

Thursday, 3 May 2012

Ok is not all its cracked up to be

I don't feel that bad, not great but not depressed really. Yet I feel I can see things clearer than I want to. I can see my life how it is now and how it is going to be for the rest of my life. I dont want it to be this way. Empty apart from when I can totally focus on music. It's sad to think that is the only thing I have that can do that and I feel terrible for the people I know I should feel that way about.

It's always been that way and I always thank my dad for bringing me so much music when I was young, without it I wouldn't be here. But it depresses me that this is it, for eternity I will be held together only if I am listening to music. The rest of the time, between songs or when I am not in a position to listen to any is physically and mentally so painful. There are fleeting moments between that are ok, a funny moment but they never last and can never be relied upon to be there when you need them.

I don't want to live like this, knowing what the next moment without it will be like.  Yet perversely it keeps me alive always wanting to hear the next.  Hard to think clearly and make sense of what it really means, probably nothing Tbh, I think maybe I was a little lower than I thought, hard to notice when your head is filled with music and the images of your favourite and most engrossing music videos.

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