These posts will all be written on a phone, hence the crappy spelling and tendency for it to type duck when I swear :)

Monday, 25 June 2012

I've been trying to write this for a while but it is a difficult topic. I need to point out that I do not know this person except for their music.

A few days ago there was a post on the facebook feed from a couple of people, musicians, I have on as friends. A young guy had posted on his Twitter some words that did not show a good state of mind. He also posted a picture showing a large amount if sleeping pills.  The posts I saw confirmed that he had taken his life. I looked at his Twitter page, I don't know if the profile picture he posted was recent, it looked it.  It hit me quite hard, more so than the pills picture, but as I looked into his eyes I recognized a whole lot more than I wanted to.
He had a lot going for him, I know he had friends, good work, a lot if talent. What he was trying to bear each day though, I know at least a little of it.  The pain and how we bear it is different for all if us, some bear it for longer than others, some even overcome it. Most of us bear it for as long as we can, until the pain that eats away inside becomes stronger than the ability to protect others from it.
Only we know how close we are to breaking at any one time but sometimes we don't see it the same, it  tricks and lies. It's fine to tell us that's what its doing but when something is telling you something over and over for years, and when that voice comes from inside you, it looks like you, walks and talks like you and it is much much harder to ignore.

I envy this man one thing, people did try to help him, they were there for him, checked on him. They tried to know what he was going through. I don't know what that's like, maybe it would be frustrating to have people so close, more people to be afraid of hurting.
When I try to talk to the only person I have all that happens is we fight. I try to say it but something always gets in the way, something stupid like 'do you want a coffee' and then he won't listen to anything no matter how important until that question is answered and I can't think because if everything going through my mind and the fact it has probably taken me a hell of a long time to work up the courage and words to say what I want.

Anyway, what I noticed was the comments that came after the sad news. People were devastated which is a natural reaction. All people that take that final action understand the inevitability that we will hurt people, it is trying to prevent that which makes us hold on longer than we wish we had to. There is always a point, though, at which the pain is too much.
Our pain hurts others too, and that is how the thought digs in that eventually their pain will be less if we are gone. The other strong reaction is anger. That hurts me to see. People are seeing it only from their view, the pain they feel in that time. I do understand that too but they do the dead a great disservice. The people who are angry are the reason the person stayed alive so long.

I see everywhere people likening mental illness to physical ones, trying to make people understand us better. They are right, noone chooses this, but this pain can't be measured, they can't just give us painkillers. Even professionals don't fully understand, a lit of medications are hit and miss and even more damaging than the condition. Yet we endure it to please those we love, to show we are trying.
Anger us natural, most people are angry when someone dies naturally, through illness, accident. But the anger is directed at something I feel is more apt, god, the person responsible for the accident, the murderer etc. People aren't generally angry at the person for getting the illness, for not beating it. Yet when someone succumbs to crippling and unbelievable depression they are deemed at fault?

Even people who have suffered (and still do) themselves are angry. I think people forget that pain is subjective. Push a pin into my arm it will hurt, the same pin in same place in your arm may hurt you more or less, you may ask for it to stop sooner, or later. We all have different tolerances to things.
The people who get through may be angry because they think they know, but noone can ever know how much another suffers.  Sometimes the thought that one day we will be free just isn't anywhere close to enough.

It is never about the people left behind. People think its selfish to take your life, I think its selfish to try to force them not to by using their love for others to emotionally blackmail them. Helping is one thing, but a friend recognizes that they shouldn't be making someone suffer something unimaginable just because they don't want to be hurt.
We do everything we can to avoid hurting people. Often that hurts us even more. We spend most of our time trying to protect you. We seek help, we do what you ask. But when we have had enough, please don't use yourselves to try to make us stay. There really are limits and we tend to know where they are, that's how we have survived them for so long.

I know it gets said you never know what's around the corner. That's true, but its more often a long life of insurmountable pain than it is a miracle that makes us happy we stayed.
Im very tired, and I know most of what I tried to say was way better when it started forming in my head a few days ago, hell it was better when I started writing well over an hour ago.
I am not trying to say its right, but that those who blame people for doing it can never understand even if they think they know anything if those feelings. You cannot blame the person who did it, yourself, or anyone. Just be proud that they had people like you holding them up while they were here, that meant a lot to them I promise you.

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