These posts will all be written on a phone, hence the crappy spelling and tendency for it to type duck when I swear :)

Thursday, 12 April 2012

Give me a mirror, I think I have mug written on my head

Some people are born to be the target. Problem is people do.t know what they risk doing it to me. 99% of the time I will take it, get depressed or just quietly seethe because my sensible subconcience tells me its the safest plan. 0.5% of the time they will see a flash of what is there, a brief moment of the most intense anger.

That doesn't last long though and that same sensibility will supress it. Some people won't forget, they learn and are more cautious. Most are stupid and continue to push and push.I do everything I can to keep it down, I know what's there but sooner or later I have, I guess a kind of blackout. I don't remember the line being crossed and all I have to know waht happened is having to deal with the aftermath.

Often it comes out at myself, ho.early I prefer it that way. I know the violence in my mind and when I hit that breaking point I know that violence to myself usually pulls me out of it, pain does soothe and brings me back to my senses. On rare occasions it is at the person provoking me. When I can see it heading this way it scares the shit out of me, especially when I can't avoid the situation.

As you guessed I'm headed that route now. This person pushed and pushed. She saw the flash, knows I'm neither as stupid or as placid and easy a target as she did think. But still she pushes. She has bullied, name called and generally treated me like shit. Mostly I have ignored it, complained with co workers about her (she is fairly universally hated) and got it out of my system in safe ways. This event had witnesses and they came to me saying "did she really just do that?". Part of me just thought I was making a big deal of it but this made me see I had the right to be as pissed of as I was.

Instinct said speak to the union, and I was going to but I know it would go further and I do not need the stress nor the confrontation. I was pushed to talk to one specific rep when the one I looked for wasn't there but he is too argumentative and militant so I decided to speak to a manager I trust.

Best call I could have made, he promised to be careful but to try to find out what was going on. Not saying I had mentioned it or anything, just to find out whether there was an underlying reason for the situation that happened.

Out of context I guess it seems out of proportion, I was working (having already been moved and given, along with someone else) a lot of attitude. Already made to feel like I had done something wrong, and placed on a station with one other person (room for 4). 10 minutes later she approached with 3 women who apparently cannot work apart. A man is moved from his place 5ft away on another station, I replace him and the 3 get to work together and replace me. Makes no logical sense and is just one example of continuing harassment. All other managers have manners and common sense, if someone working leave them alone unless you need them in diff area, then they ask politely. I never have a problem moving around but usually its to do a diff job, not just being shuffled to fit those she likes in.

People get away with doing nothing, playing on their phone, talking and taking up all space so no one else. An actually do their job yet it would be the other person (often me) that then gets told off when you have to stop and wait for them to move. And if you ask them to move or say anything the bitchiness is unreal and of course that manager is on their side.

There are some staff now, properly employed not casual staff, that do not speak a word of English. I mean literally not at all, these often are the ones that need to be in group, one is a translator. In a job that requires communication, the ability to read and speak English this is unreal. Other staff are kicked from where they are to accomodate them yet they are proven to he responsible for many of the errors we have. There are casual staff that are amazing and knowledgeable workers yet they are not offered contracts while people that don't understand when you try to explain something to them all get jobs.

Don't get me wrong, some are really really nice people but I refuse to take the blame for an error where I am when I know who it is (i often see them do it but when you explain and they nod and smile then do it again it gets frustrating).

I don't want this to go to the union, the manager is very vindictive and I will pay somehow if she does but it will be harder to prove. The manager I spoke to agreed totally that what happened was wrong, I only mentioned that instance but if it carries on I have to say something before something bad happens. I said to him I wasn't trying to start trouble, that's why I went to him, he will be discreet. I just really want to smash her face in right now.

Gotta love lack of impulse control, just as well I trained myself so most people won't even know anything is wrong. My arm and hands are suffering though. Amusingly when I had my psych appointments (before I ditched him again) she played all nice saying can always talk to her etc but I'm glad I didn't after what she has said to me, it would be used against me and likely I wouldn't be able to prove a thing, would just be 'being crazy' or something. Would be her explanation for anything I did or said. Bitch.

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