These posts will all be written on a phone, hence the crappy spelling and tendency for it to type duck when I swear :)

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

The inconsistencies of mood

<p>Ok ish day,<b> </b>hadn't felt too bad. Later in evening paranoia started to take hold and I knew what I was being judged on - looks. What puts me off pushing with the music is the lack of confidence. Even now I keep myself out of having to meet people if I can help it, they all judge me the same.

I know what's needed, a nose job, facial moles all removed and then I would work my ass off to lose the weight the dank drugs have put on me. Not like I eat much anyway but I know I can do that bit myself. Just doesn't seem worth it right now when the stuff I can't currently change will still be there.

I seriously hate myself, the way I look and how it makes me see everyone else as superior to me and I nearly broke down a few times today.  I can't get the ops anyway no money and can't while mum alive would feel like I was betraying her and I know I would be made to feel bad about it.

If I could maintain confidence and some form of social ability I could prob get by even if still not hope of performing music but I can't ignore him shouting in my head all these terrible things that I know he is right.

I hate myself so much but am too much of a coward to do much except carve my arm up and make me even less attractive and give me more stress having to hide it, especially in the hot weather. My own fault I know but viscious circle, feel shitty anyway, cut, feel shitty cos of that....more cut more shitty feeling aaaaaand so on :'( fuck that shit I ever win money I'm gonna buy the only hope in help of me having a life - surgery.

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