Silence

The most irritating thing I find happening sometimes is knowing how you feel, but being unable to put it into word. Literally not even one word is coming to mind.

A lot is making ne feel off kilter.  The game I play, the euro players have been sold off to some German company and since with their track record I won't be giving them any money it looks like I won't be playing when they hand over. I'm not the only one upset by this I know but the time heading closer is filling me with dread.

For a couple of years this game has filled up every second I have. It has kept me occupied when I would have otherwise been distracted by my thoughts and often has kept me safe. I have invested a lot mentally and monetarily into it and its not an exaggeration to say I will be devastated. It does bother me how I will handle it but I am already playing as if there is no point doing all that much.

A very slight part of me is wondering if it will be good for me in the long run though. Maybe I will start reading again, there is a lot I have meant to read for a long time. Maybe I will write more, paint more, work out how the hell to use my synthesizer and write music to go with my lyrics.

But even thinking of what I could do instead I just have a sinking feeling when I think of losing the game. Nothing in it is real I know, its just pixels but I get obsessive. Not full ocd or anything but the closest you can get I guess. Like I said every second of time I'm not at work I'm on it so its a help of a mental gap to fill.

It is a crutch and I knew I wouldn't play forever but I thought is get bored not that id be pushed out of it before I wanted to leave and when I was finally starting to push myself to do the things in it I wanted to but didn't dare (involving myself with other people) and that would have been good for me.

Pfft fuck it I am really pissed at it and trying to describe more how its making me feel just makes me sound sad and desperate.

I guess I did have more words than I thought, it just still doesn't feel enough and I know its not all about the game that's bothering me. Got one thing off my chest though so that's something.