Here again

Been a while since got this bad, thought it wasba blip for day or two but its still here. So unbelievable low. Mostly lacking in any energy or life except for enough to feel bouts of intense anger.

I have wasted everything, I take for granted my boyfriend and I do tell him how much I appreciate him etc and check how he is and that he ok with things. But we do nothing together, literally nothing. Not through a lack of me asking, I just do.t seem worth doing anything with. Though he can go ice skating with work I cannot go out with him one day/night. I would love to have do.e that.

Doing things like that brings you closer to people, you like more those you have fun with. Well if he doesnt spend time enough to have fun with me (always busy, ill, not feeling like it) then it won't be hard to like someone there more than me.

I never cry but its taking everything to keep the tears in my eyes and not streaming down my face. I feel like such a waste of a life, what is the point taking up air and space. It took me by suprise so the energy to get anything started and the ability to see the point in anything is non-existant.

I do want to die, I know i can't because of my mum and she is still (natually) struggling bad with losing my dad. But right now is worse than death, I want it to end, not temporarily, not chemically just so totally that all of this is goes and there is no risk of it returning. I bring nothing to anyone or anything and I'm only damaging to those closest, mostly myself.

Screwed

But at least when something does screw me it stays true to myself and does it so completely that its impossible for it to have screwed me more. Yes I'm ducking pissed off about something but I have to go to bed so no time to type.

Give me a mirror, I think I have mug written on my head

Some people are born to be the target. Problem is people do.t know what they risk doing it to me. 99% of the time I will take it, get depressed or just quietly seethe because my sensible subconcience tells me its the safest plan. 0.5% of the time they will see a flash of what is there, a brief moment of the most intense anger.

That doesn't last long though and that same sensibility will supress it. Some people won't forget, they learn and are more cautious. Most are stupid and continue to push and push.I do everything I can to keep it down, I know what's there but sooner or later I have, I guess a kind of blackout. I don't remember the line being crossed and all I have to know waht happened is having to deal with the aftermath.

Often it comes out at myself, ho.early I prefer it that way. I know the violence in my mind and when I hit that breaking point I know that violence to myself usually pulls me out of it, pain does soothe and brings me back to my senses. On rare occasions it is at the person provoking me. When I can see it heading this way it scares the shit out of me, especially when I can't avoid the situation.

As you guessed I'm headed that route now. This person pushed and pushed. She saw the flash, knows I'm neither as stupid or as placid and easy a target as she did think. But still she pushes. She has bullied, name called and generally treated me like shit. Mostly I have ignored it, complained with co workers about her (she is fairly universally hated) and got it out of my system in safe ways. This event had witnesses and they came to me saying "did she really just do that?". Part of me just thought I was making a big deal of it but this made me see I had the right to be as pissed of as I was.

Instinct said speak to the union, and I was going to but I know it would go further and I do not need the stress nor the confrontation. I was pushed to talk to one specific rep when the one I looked for wasn't there but he is too argumentative and militant so I decided to speak to a manager I trust.

Best call I could have made, he promised to be careful but to try to find out what was going on. Not saying I had mentioned it or anything, just to find out whether there was an underlying reason for the situation that happened.

Out of context I guess it seems out of proportion, I was working (having already been moved and given, along with someone else) a lot of attitude. Already made to feel like I had done something wrong, and placed on a station with one other person (room for 4). 10 minutes later she approached with 3 women who apparently cannot work apart. A man is moved from his place 5ft away on another station, I replace him and the 3 get to work together and replace me. Makes no logical sense and is just one example of continuing harassment. All other managers have manners and common sense, if someone working leave them alone unless you need them in diff area, then they ask politely. I never have a problem moving around but usually its to do a diff job, not just being shuffled to fit those she likes in.

People get away with doing nothing, playing on their phone, talking and taking up all space so no one else. An actually do their job yet it would be the other person (often me) that then gets told off when you have to stop and wait for them to move. And if you ask them to move or say anything the bitchiness is unreal and of course that manager is on their side.

There are some staff now, properly employed not casual staff, that do not speak a word of English. I mean literally not at all, these often are the ones that need to be in group, one is a translator. In a job that requires communication, the ability to read and speak English this is unreal. Other staff are kicked from where they are to accomodate them yet they are proven to he responsible for many of the errors we have. There are casual staff that are amazing and knowledgeable workers yet they are not offered contracts while people that don't understand when you try to explain something to them all get jobs.

Don't get me wrong, some are really really nice people but I refuse to take the blame for an error where I am when I know who it is (i often see them do it but when you explain and they nod and smile then do it again it gets frustrating).

I don't want this to go to the union, the manager is very vindictive and I will pay somehow if she does but it will be harder to prove. The manager I spoke to agreed totally that what happened was wrong, I only mentioned that instance but if it carries on I have to say something before something bad happens. I said to him I wasn't trying to start trouble, that's why I went to him, he will be discreet. I just really want to smash her face in right now.

Gotta love lack of impulse control, just as well I trained myself so most people won't even know anything is wrong. My arm and hands are suffering though. Amusingly when I had my psych appointments (before I ditched him again) she played all nice saying can always talk to her etc but I'm glad I didn't after what she has said to me, it would be used against me and likely I wouldn't be able to prove a thing, would just be 'being crazy' or something. Would be her explanation for anything I did or said. Bitch.

Masks

We all wear masks. Most people have theirs on for people the want to impress or people they hate but can't show it. Mine is all the time. It is partly for others, who I am and what I think isn't generally a good thing for others to see. But a lot of it is for me. It's odd to know you are hiding from yourself and being as you know what's inside you better than any, it is really hard to do.

For me it is simply a distraction to allow me to at least pretend to get on with things. Like a wall between me and my thoughts. The ones that get through are the ones I hide from others but when I am alone they are the ones that tear me apart.

The mask I know isn't a great thing, the worst thing is when you do realize you have to talk or ask for help. My mask is so set that I just look like I am lying. I can admit to seeing, hearing and thinking the most horrific things and look like I am giving someone directions or something. But that's just the only way I am able to do it. When I am overwhelmed by something the last thing I will be able to do is articulate it and when I fall apart I always make sure there is no one around to see.

The inconsistencies of mood

<p>Ok ish day,<b> </b>hadn't felt too bad. Later in evening paranoia started to take hold and I knew what I was being judged on - looks. What puts me off pushing with the music is the lack of confidence. Even now I keep myself out of having to meet people if I can help it, they all judge me the same.

I know what's needed, a nose job, facial moles all removed and then I would work my ass off to lose the weight the dank drugs have put on me. Not like I eat much anyway but I know I can do that bit myself. Just doesn't seem worth it right now when the stuff I can't currently change will still be there.

I seriously hate myself, the way I look and how it makes me see everyone else as superior to me and I nearly broke down a few times today.  I can't get the ops anyway no money and can't while mum alive would feel like I was betraying her and I know I would be made to feel bad about it.

If I could maintain confidence and some form of social ability I could prob get by even if still not hope of performing music but I can't ignore him shouting in my head all these terrible things that I know he is right.

I hate myself so much but am too much of a coward to do much except carve my arm up and make me even less attractive and give me more stress having to hide it, especially in the hot weather. My own fault I know but viscious circle, feel shitty anyway, cut, feel shitty cos of that....more cut more shitty feeling aaaaaand so on :'( fuck that shit I ever win money I'm gonna buy the only hope in help of me having a life - surgery.

Silence

The most irritating thing I find happening sometimes is knowing how you feel, but being unable to put it into word. Literally not even one word is coming to mind.

A lot is making ne feel off kilter.  The game I play, the euro players have been sold off to some German company and since with their track record I won't be giving them any money it looks like I won't be playing when they hand over. I'm not the only one upset by this I know but the time heading closer is filling me with dread.

For a couple of years this game has filled up every second I have. It has kept me occupied when I would have otherwise been distracted by my thoughts and often has kept me safe. I have invested a lot mentally and monetarily into it and its not an exaggeration to say I will be devastated. It does bother me how I will handle it but I am already playing as if there is no point doing all that much.

A very slight part of me is wondering if it will be good for me in the long run though. Maybe I will start reading again, there is a lot I have meant to read for a long time. Maybe I will write more, paint more, work out how the hell to use my synthesizer and write music to go with my lyrics.

But even thinking of what I could do instead I just have a sinking feeling when I think of losing the game. Nothing in it is real I know, its just pixels but I get obsessive. Not full ocd or anything but the closest you can get I guess. Like I said every second of time I'm not at work I'm on it so its a help of a mental gap to fill.

It is a crutch and I knew I wouldn't play forever but I thought is get bored not that id be pushed out of it before I wanted to leave and when I was finally starting to push myself to do the things in it I wanted to but didn't dare (involving myself with other people) and that would have been good for me.

Pfft fuck it I am really pissed at it and trying to describe more how its making me feel just makes me sound sad and desperate.

I guess I did have more words than I thought, it just still doesn't feel enough and I know its not all about the game that's bothering me. Got one thing off my chest though so that's something.