Been a while since got this bad, thought it wasba blip for day or two but its still here. So unbelievable low. Mostly lacking in any energy or life except for enough to feel bouts of intense anger.
I have wasted everything, I take for granted my boyfriend and I do tell him how much I appreciate him etc and check how he is and that he ok with things. But we do nothing together, literally nothing. Not through a lack of me asking, I just do.t seem worth doing anything with. Though he can go ice skating with work I cannot go out with him one day/night. I would love to have do.e that.
Doing things like that brings you closer to people, you like more those you have fun with. Well if he doesnt spend time enough to have fun with me (always busy, ill, not feeling like it) then it won't be hard to like someone there more than me.
I never cry but its taking everything to keep the tears in my eyes and not streaming down my face. I feel like such a waste of a life, what is the point taking up air and space. It took me by suprise so the energy to get anything started and the ability to see the point in anything is non-existant.
I do want to die, I know i can't because of my mum and she is still (natually) struggling bad with losing my dad. But right now is worse than death, I want it to end, not temporarily, not chemically just so totally that all of this is goes and there is no risk of it returning. I bring nothing to anyone or anything and I'm only damaging to those closest, mostly myself.